I’m pretty sure that’s written in the Bible somewhere. Or maybe Shakespeare penned it. No no, I remember now. It’s actually the 11th Commandment, carried down the mountain as a direct order from God him/herself, so important it required a separate scratch-and-sniff tablet. Either way, just do it, as soon as humanly possible.

I probably should just stop there, because it truly is the best and most consistent BBQ I’ve ever had, especially their brisket and ribs which are fall-off-the-bone amazing and definitely offer up that transcendence I was talking about in my last post. However, for newbies there is an important bit of information I should add: Get thee to Franklin Barbecue, but get thyself there early. They open at 11 a.m., but lines start around 9:30 a.m. to 10 a.m. if not earlier. It really seems like each week the lines get longer and longer as more people convert to this new BBQ religion. I’ve been there at least a half-dozen times so far this year, and a typical wait time is about an hour and a half, sometimes longer.

But it’s worth it. If it weren’t, everyone wouldn’t keep coming back.

Okay, I’m gonna keep going with this. Their portions are huge so you WILL be full. You can get a two-meat plate with two sides like slaw or potato salad or beans, or you can get it all by the pound, which is extremely satisfying as you’re driving home with huge mountains of butcher paper full of awesome-smelling meats riding shotgun in the car. They have beer. They have desserts. And they do have a couple different sauces (which admittedly aren’t as kick-ass as what you can get at the Salt Lick), but their BBQ truly can be eaten without sauce. I’d actually recommend at least trying the first couple of bites that way just to appreciate the amazing flavor they get in their meats. Then feel free to pour on the saucy goodness like their unique espresso concoction, which is definitely excellent. Oh, I almost forgot, they have a sandwich there called the Tipsy Texan (see photo below), which is a chopped brisket and sausage sandwich that will knock your socks off!

So bring a book, lather on the sunscreen and cancel your morning/afternoon appointments. Franklin BBQ is the new BBQ mecca, and it’s conveniently located right here in Austin, Texas. Worship it.

I’ve eaten a fair share of brisket in my day, as I really love BBQ in general. And the BBQ establishments in Lockhart, Texas, are supposed to be some of the best around. I’ve never been before, and as fate would have it, we drove right through Lockhart today so I wanted to rectify that wrong. With some assistance from Yelp, I chose Smitty’s as they had the best sounding reviews. We pulled up and parked, seeing lots of other folks around, so we thought we had made the right choice. Walking in, there was a decent sized line, another good sign. However, as we got closer to the front, the temperature rose exponentially. Like hellishly hot. Turning a corner towards the cash registers, we saw why – they had two wood burning fires actually cooking the meat right there in the building! When you order, they literally take the cooking meat out of these huge chambers where a guy cuts it to order. Pretty impressive actually, but waiting to order is so uncomfortable that we were sweating just standing there. Literally the patrons were 2 feet away from the fire while waiting in line. But hey, it’s just par for the course when wanting the best authentic Texas BBQ experience, right?

So we finally got our meat (or rather my meat, since they didn’t have turkey or chicken, the only kind of BBQ Shelby eats), then some sides and drinks (I bet they sell a helluva lot more beer after forcing people to wade through the fires of hell when they order) and sat down. I then unwrapped my butcher paper full of brisket and sausage and properly checked out the meat. It looked, well, kinda nasty. The brisket was tough and super fatty, plus it seemed like the tendons and muscles stood out as a majorly noticeable part of the meat (just look at that unappetizing photo I snapped of it in the header). I actually got the sense that I was really tearing into a piece of an animal instead of normal eye-pleasing BBQ. Now maybe this is part of an authentic Texas BBQ experience, and the flavor would knock my socks off, but unfortunately it tasted just like it looked – tough, fatty, and nasty. Like quite possibly some of the nastiest brisket I’ve ever had. I actually considered turning vegetarian as I tried to eat it, though I’m sure the gaggle of flies trying to share my lunch or the unruly patrons stuffing their faces with vomit-inducing food all around us didn’t help. Then there’s the whole sauce issue. The meat is supposed to be so amazing that you don’t even need sauce to eat it. What a crock of shit! This food was so hard to eat, sauce would have been crucial, actually. And the sausage didn’t fare any better. Oh, and the sides tasted like Smitty’s had just went to HEB and bought a huge helping of cheap potato salad, beans and slaw, then turned around and sold it to us at a mark-up. (And the lemonade also tasted suspiciously powder-esque.)

So overall, what a huge disappointment! After hearing about these places in Lockhart for so long and how great they were, it’s such a bummer to learn the truth, like learning that Santa Claus wasn’t real. And it’s really extra sad because since that meat-schmutz-faced baby I mentioned earlier is already being force-fed this shit, she will undoubtedly keep talking up this place to the next generation of BBQ seekers, and I’m sure this is how they’ve cemented their legacy. BBQ is like Coke and cigarettes, you gotta reel them in young. So just like all the fun summer movies you’ll be watching over the next couple of months, manage those expectations if you plan on venturing down to Lockhart. Now maybe the other BBQ places in Lockhart aren’t as bad (Yelp has been wrong before) but I doubt it. As I mentioned earlier I have eaten a lot of BBQ, and while places like Rudy’s or Green Mesquite or County Line do an admirable job of providing smoked meaty goodness, I haven’t really found the BBQ transcendence I’ve been looking for and reading about in other people’s reviews. Well, until recently that is… but I’ll have to save that reveal for another post because I feel the urgent need to visit the nearest toilet as this nasty-ass-wannabe-BBQ from Smitty’s forces its way through my digestive tract in extremely unpleasant and painful ways. If you walk into my house in the next 24 hours, bring matches!

Now me, I like the movies, and that’s the reason I wanted to go. Last year, I was able to go for free because of an awesome short film I edited. (The same posse has a feature coming soon called The Man From Orlando, so check it out!) This year I decided no matter what I would go again, even if I had to pay, just because my experience last year was so amazing. My question going into this year, though, was would I have enough fun to warrant spending the money for a film badge?

After nine days, nearly 50 screenings and more than a dozen pizzas and vanilla Cokes later, the answer is YES YES YES! First of all, the overall logistics of the fest were vastly improved over last year, due to better line management and added venues. I had a tight schedule and got into nearly everything I wanted to. The shuttle service between venues was excellent. The people I chatted with in line from all over the world were very cool. I already mentioned how badass it is to have some grub at the Drafthouse, but seeing a premiere at the historic Paramount Theater with 1,199 other film fans is an electric experience that can’t be described. “But how were the movies?” you’re asking. Overall, they were awesome. Now there were in fact a few disappointments, and again I felt like the short film selection process is really poor, (except for another short I edited called Roosevelt’s Big Deal of course, but I can’t believe with the thousands of submissions from all over the world that some of the shorts I saw even made it past the first round of elimination), but overall it was a great slate.

And the best/saddest part, as I mentioned earlier, is the fact that most of these movies will never see the light of day. That’s not to say that they are bad films at all, quite the opposite, but it’s just that some of these films don’t mesh with what most people go to see at the movies. (Alice in Wonderland made over a billion dollars? Really???) So it’s just all the more exciting to experience the unique stuff that’s being made out there or to discover the next big thing and share it with people before it hits later in the year. Which leads me to my top five movies of SXSW 2011:

1) Bellflower – A mindfuck love story about a guy who gets his heart broken and feels like the world is ending. Or maybe it actually is? Plus there is a flamethrower and lots of sex and violence.

2) The Future – Another love story (they’re cheaper to produce than movies with superheroes or fighting robots apparently) about a couple who decides to adopt a cat and how that decision impacts the rest of their lives. Oh, and the cat is the quasi-narrarator. And there is time travel, I think.

3) Attack the Block – A summer blockbuster more entertaining than any summer blockbuster you’ll probably see this summer (though I have my expectations high for Super 8 – Coach Taylor plays a sheriff!!!). Anyways, some aliens invade London, and the neighborhood kids handle that shit.

4) Charlie Casanova – A ruling class sociopath uses a deck of playing cards to justify dealing out some serious punishment to those beneath him. If The Joker were a real person, this might be what he’d be like. Plus, it’s made by an Irishman!

5) Sound of My Voice/Another Earth – Two movies co-written by and starring a very talented girl named Brit Marling, both of which use some cool sci-fi to tell very personal stories.

Now I’m not generally much of a documentary fan, but I did see some really great docs this year. Most notably were The Greatest Movie Ever Sold by Morgan Spurlock, Conan O’Brien Can’t Stop by Rodman Flender, Tabloid by Errol Morris and, of course, the awesome rock-doc Foo Fighters: Back & Forth by James Moll. It’s also important to note that even though I squeezed in nearly 50 screenings, there was a lot I missed out on. That’s the nature of the beast, and I’ll just have to try and do an even better job next year of seeing more stuff!

So in conclusion, SXSW is the shit, and you need to come next year. We can say hi to each other while waiting in line and chat about what movies we’ve seen, how much fun everything is and maybe even share a pizza (the Raging Bull is excellent as well) at the Drafthouse or gawk at celebrities in the Paramount. Start saving now!!!

When “New Moon” came out last fall, the Chickster team gave you our thoughts, so for “Eclipse” we thought we’d turn our review over to a man. And not just any man – O’Husband, who has seen both “Twilight” and “New Moon” more times than he’d care to admit. So what were his thoughts on the meatiest volume of the franchise? Read on…

So I was forced by gunpoint to see the third installment of the “Twilight Saga”, aka “Eclipse,” at the awesome South Lamar Alamo Drafthouse last night. But even the awesome power of the Drafthouse couldn’t save my soul from this piece of cinematic garbage. (I promise I’m not going into this review biased or anything. I have seen the other two “Twilight” movies and actually kind of enjoyed the first one.)  

First of all, the party to my left AND right both ordered chocolate chip cookies. I wanted chocolate chip cookies sooooooooo bad but resisted. Smelling the other people around me munching away on those glorious chewy moist amazing cookies really wasn’t easy… so I devoted even more more focus than usual to the movie itself. And it sucked. Hard. Yes, there was a kinda cool battle scene at the end with heads being ripped off, but just because the Allies won WW2 doesn’t mean the Holocaust was worth suffering though… but I won’t bash the movie, that’s not my style. Instead I’ll offer up a few philosophical questions to think about as you sit down to waste away 2+ hours of your life. (Cuz you know you’ll see the movie. EVERYONE will see the movie and you can’t be the only one who doesn’t.)  

1.) Why do tween girls worship Bella as a role model? She does absolutely nothing in any of the three movies except whine, cry and bitch. I really hope our future generation of women is smarter than this. Following that question, why do all the guys in this franchise (Edward, Jacob, Mike and Eric) even like her? As a guy, there is nothing to like. Sure, she’s attractive, but that Jessica blows Bella out of the water in the looks and even the smarts department. (Valedictorian??? Really?)

2.) Why don’t the girl werewolves have to take THEIR shirts off like the guy werewolves do?

3.) Does no one in town question how the Cullens can afford such awesome stuff? There is no way Peter Facinelli is banking that much as a small town physician. Their house is awesome. Their cars are awesome. Their matching black leather fighting clothes are awesome. What gives, Charlie? Do some investigating…especially with all the mysterious murders and dissapearances that happen in this freaking town.  

4.) How would Edward have sex with Bella, regardless of if she’s human or a vampire? The author makes a huge point of telling us they don’t have blood or a heartbeat or fluids of any kind, so erections and semen should therefore be impossible. Basically it would be like wanting to marry an impotent sterile man – no risk whatsoever. Hmmmm…

5.) Speaking of which, the most mind boggling aspect of this whole cult is that the story is basically the wet dream of a sexually repressed Morman girl. And the really scary part is that gazillions of little girls all over the world somehow identify with this to the tune of $30 million dollars at midnight screenings alone! Just think, this could become like the new Bond franchise, with new installments coming out every couple of years for the next 20+years. Over time, young girls will think the people and relationships in these movies are actually how life should work.  

So basically, we as a society are f***ed!!!