Guest Blog: O’Husband vs. Eclipse!

Jul 4, 2010 by OHusband

When “New Moon” came out last fall, the Chickster team gave you our thoughts, so for “Eclipse” we thought we’d turn our review over to a man. And not just any man – O’Husband, who has seen both “Twilight” and “New Moon” more times than he’d care to admit. So what were his thoughts on the meatiest volume of the franchise? Read on…

So I was forced by gunpoint to see the third installment of the “Twilight Saga”, aka “Eclipse,” at the awesome South Lamar Alamo Drafthouse last night. But even the awesome power of the Drafthouse couldn’t save my soul from this piece of cinematic garbage. (I promise I’m not going into this review biased or anything. I have seen the other two “Twilight” movies and actually kind of enjoyed the first one.)

First of all, the party to my left AND right both ordered chocolate chip cookies. I wanted chocolate chip cookies sooooooooo bad but resisted. Smelling the other people around me munching away on those glorious chewy moist amazing cookies really wasn’t easy… so I devoted even more more focus than usual to the movie itself. And it sucked. Hard. Yes, there was a kinda cool battle scene at the end with heads being ripped off, but just because the Allies won WW2 doesn’t mean the Holocaust was worth suffering though… but I won’t bash the movie, that’s not my style. Instead I’ll offer up a few philosophical questions to think about as you sit down to waste away 2+ hours of your life. (Cuz you know you’ll see the movie. EVERYONE will see the movie and you can’t be the only one who doesn’t.)

1.) Why do tween girls worship Bella as a role model? She does absolutely nothing in any of the three movies except whine, cry and bitch. I really hope our future generation of women is smarter than this. Following that question, why do all the guys in this franchise (Edward, Jacob, Mike and Eric) even like her? As a guy, there is nothing to like. Sure, she’s attractive, but that Jessica blows Bella out of the water in the looks and even the smarts department. (Valedictorian??? Really?)

2.) Why don’t the girl werewolves have to take THEIR shirts off like the guy werewolves do?

3.) Does no one in town question how the Cullens can afford such awesome stuff? There is no way Peter Facinelli is banking that much as a small town physician. Their house is awesome. Their cars are awesome. Their matching black leather fighting clothes are awesome. What gives, Charlie? Do some investigating…especially with all the mysterious murders and dissapearances that happen in this freaking town.

4.) How would Edward have sex with Bella, regardless of if she’s human or a vampire? The author makes a huge point of telling us they don’t have blood or a heartbeat or fluids of any kind, so erections and semen should therefore be impossible. Basically it would be like wanting to marry an impotent sterile man – no risk whatsoever. Hmmmm…

5.) Speaking of which, the most mind boggling aspect of this whole cult is that the story is basically the wet dream of a sexually repressed Morman girl. And the really scary part is that gazillions of little girls all over the world somehow identify with this to the tune of $30 million dollars at midnight screenings alone! Just think, this could become like the new Bond franchise, with new installments coming out every couple of years for the next 20+years. Over time, young girls will think the people and relationships in these movies are actually how life should work.

So basically, we as a society are f***ed!!!

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Tags: Chick Flick Picks, Chickster, eclipse, Twilight

9 Comments + Add Comment

kelly July 5, 2010 at 2:32 pm

Though I believe that the original “Twilight” is the best (and they never should’ve replaced Catherine Hardwicke as director), I think there was definitely some value here that O’Husband is overlooking. This installment was certainly better than the last, which I felt kinda dragged, probably because of Chris Weitz’s direction. David Slade was a major improvement over Weitz as a director, and the dialogue seemed snappier (Like: “Doesn’t he own a shirt?”) and the story better paced. Also it’s nice that they showed the Werewolf-Vampire Battle when it was mostly avoided in the book, so that was an improvement over the book itself, though I’ve appreciated overall that every installment of this franchise has been very similar to the books.

Alice was also back to her charming self in this installment! I don’t know what happened to her in the last movie but I did not remotely buy her performance. Jasper and even Rosalie revealed aspects of their characters not yet seen. Edward actually looked somewhat attractive again in this movie. (In the last movie he looked thrashed.) Though I do have to agree with Jacob’s pun in this movie (which is supposed to be relating to body temperature but isn’t) “I’m hotter than you.” Yes. Edward hasn’t looked great since the first movie. Whatever they did in that movie regarding makeup and lighting they need to recreate. Because his eyes occasionally looked orange! Honey-brown is attractive but not orange! Also, did they really need to recast Victoria just to have her barely in the movie and then die! The other one at least looked scary. This one looked mousey. But I digress, as I’d like to take a shot at addressing O’Husband’s questions:

1. I doubt that any girl worshops Bella as a role model. Obviously her whole attitude of “Put Edward before my life and even my soul” is clearly unhealthy. But it makes for a more interesting love story and creates the way you feel sometimes during love with the use of a metaphor. Would you really risk damning your soul to hell for eternity for the one you love? No, but sometimes that’s how you think you feel!

2. It’s always been strangely acceptable in society for men to walk around with their shirts off in certain situations where it is not alright for women to do this same. That one’s obvious.

3. The next one’s simple: If you’ve been alive for 100s of years you’ve accrued a lot of interest in your bank account.

4. You have to suspend disbelief to watch any vampire movie since nothing about vampire physiology has ever made sense. They drink blood but don’t have any coursing through them? They don’t breathe but talk and take deep breaths and sigh? They’re dead but somehow walking around and smell good instead of bad? And somehow undead is different from being dead, and also means immortal but you can be killed? If you like any vampire movie you have to accept the basic myth of the whole thing. It’s a fantasy and follows its own set of rules.

5. I do agree that this is the wet dream of a repressed Morman girl, but that’s why she’s so good at teenage angst and sexual tension. These movies really have a spark to them that most romantic movies don’t. It comes off feeling real when most romances fall short or feel fake. And I don’t think it’s damaging to society. Girls can’t really date vampires and werewolves. And if that option were available they wouldn’t. It would be like dating a serial killer. Obviously this is a harmless guilty pleasure.
Shelby July 5, 2010 at 6:47 pm

I agree with both Kelly and my own dear O’Husband about different things. First, I think “Eclipse” was eons better than “New Moon.” But I also liked it as a book much better than the other. I still think “Twilight” is the best of both the books and the movies. And now I’m going to address your points all out of order.

5. I think what O’Husband is getting at isn’t that the relationships are unhealthy because they involve werewolves and vampires. They are unhealthy relationships regardless of what species the other party is. In this book/movie, Jacob is practically a wolf whistle away from being a date rapist first with his whole forced kissing thing and then his (excuse my paraphrase) “I’m going to imply I’m going to kill myself in battle so I can force you into admitting you love me thing” on the mountain. It’s so gross. And at the beginning of the movie, Edward’s behavior definitely verges on abusive, i.e. removing a part from her car so she can’t go anywhere. Not cool. And yet the books/movies kind of glorify Jacob’s and Edward’s behavior as romantic. That’s a beef I’ve always had with it.

1. As far as Bella goes, I think the whole problem with her characterization has a lot to do with how men and women read books and see movies differently. When a guy watches a Bond movie, he’s thinking, “James Bond is freaking awesome! I wish I was James Bond!” Whereas when a girl watches a love story, she’s not thinking, “I wish I was that chick!” Nope. She’s thinking, “I want that guy to love me!” A lot of that has to do with the dearth of awesome female characters vs. the number of male characters. In fact, the only time offhand I can think being like “I wish I was that chick!” is with Elizabeth Bennett, and she’s kind of the best female character of all time. So with the Twilight movies, I don’t think many girls are thinking, “I want to be like Bella! She’s so cool!” I’m pretty sure they’re all thinking, “I wish two attractive guys would fight over me!” I just read something in a magazine about how women don’t just want guys to be attracted to them – they want guys to be attracted EXCLUSIVELY to them. That’s so irresistible, because let’s face it, most guys would sleep with anything with boobs. So Bella has two guys who only want her. So in that respect, Bella is nothing more than a placeholder for something women want and not a real character, and while I know most women get that, I hope most younger girls also get it.

4. The only reason the vampire physiology stuff bothers me is because it seems like it’s inconsistent. If it was one way throughout, that would be fine, but I feel like instead of having a mythology, the author just chooses whatever elements are convenient at the time.

I am bummed that they left out some good stuff, like the growing friendship/hero worship between Seth and Edward, and one of my favorite bits in the book, after Bella and Edward get back from the visit to Florida and she’s all upset about how he took her there to supposedly keep her safe and then they start passing notes back and forth in class and she’s all like, “So what would you have done if the plane had crashed?” and Edward has all these hilariously well thought out solutions to all the different ways he would have saved them if the plane had crashed. Edward is so much funnier in the books than the screenwriter lets him be in the movies.

Overall, I recognize the problems with the movie, but I still thought it was fun. And that’s really all you can hope for. Obviously, these are never going to be Oscar-caliber movies. So fun is fine with me.
Shelby July 6, 2010 at 8:32 am

A couple other comments. First, the negative. Why does sex have to equal death? I understand that there is an underlying abstinence message, and that’s annoying in and of itself, but why does it have to be so bloody extreme? Why can’t it just be, “Oh, let’s wait until we’re married,” instead of “If we have sex, it will kill you!”? That has always bothered me. And now the positive, these soundtracks continue to be better than they have any right to be. Seriously, Band of Horses, Vampire Weekend, Florence + the Machine and The Black Keys on one album? Yes, please!
Cynthia July 7, 2010 at 6:00 pm

Great points, all, O’Husband. I think the men of the word applaud you in voicing some of the disbelief us ladies are willing to suspend for this franchise.

I do agree this movie was better than the last one and I liked the soundtrack. I disagree when it comes to consistency in vampire rules. I’m all for inventiveness, this is fantasy so let’s give the author freedom to make it as weird as she can. (Sparkling skin is a bit much though…but at least it makes me laugh.)

In regards to the point about women not wanting to be the woman they see on screen, while men watching James Bond for example might, I’m not sure if I agree. I like watching James Bond because he’s a badass, although I don’t really want to be James Bond. Bella can’t even walk without falling over. Not a badass at all, she’s an incredibly ordinary teenager – shy, uncomfortable, moody, codependent… the list goes on. She validates the painful teenage experience. So you might not like her, but every girl can relate to her.

And Jessica as Valedictorian? Doubtful. Why not Angela?

As far as vampire/werewolf, yeah, neither is a “healthy” relationship choice or even a good idea of who to stand next to in a dark alley, rather it’s totally self-destructive. Bella should be dead by now. But let’s get down to primal urges here people. Forbidden love is the most intense. Danger and power is exciting. Looks aside, women are attracted to men with special powers. Throw in a chiseled jaw or chest, well that doesn’t hurt. I think there’s plenty of fodder for male fantasy in movies. I think it’s about time there’s one as unapologetically female as the Twilight series.
kelly July 8, 2010 at 7:10 am

Yes! I agree! You hit the nail on that little flat part!
Shelby July 8, 2010 at 9:47 am

Just wanted to clarify a couple points I was trying to make. I have no problem with her creating her own vampire rules. Sparkling is obviously silly, but as long as she’s consistent within the universe she’s created, that’s fine. But she goes out of her way to say several times that they have no bodily fluids and that their bodies have pretty much stopped in time, so then to have Edward get Bella pregnant later just contradicts that. She needs to at least be consistent within her own mythology. That is my issue. She can make her vampires ride My Little Ponies for all I care, but they at least need to do it consistently.

And at least for me, the unhealthy relationship thing has nothing to do with Edward being a vampire or Jacob being a werewolf. It’s about how unhealthy relationship behavior (stalking, physically forcing kisses, manipulations) are made to look romantic a lot in this series. And I just hope young girls don’t think that it’s cool for a guy to treat you like that, regardless if he’s human, vampire or wookie.

Also, yeah, WTF is up with Jessica being valedictorian? It’s like they all of a sudden realized Anna Kendrick is an Oscar nominee and so they decided to beef up her part. I wish they had done it in a better way.
O'Husband July 9, 2010 at 2:42 am

Breaking Dawn should be all about Anna Kendrick’s character. She can become a monster hunter and go all Sigourney Weaver as she kills vampires and werewolves and angst-filled teens alike.

The Oscar would be in the bag.
Shelby July 9, 2010 at 8:47 am

I would watch it!
Cynthia July 9, 2010 at 6:16 pm

Ha ha. Me too.

Yeah, consistency. But you know, it makes for a more interesting plot twist if readers are expecting what Bella expects, because they’ve been reading something from her perspective (and possibly inaccurate understanding of vampires) and then something totally different happens. Or maybe the author doesn’t know how to keep her facts straight. Either way, I didn’t see that coming.

About Jacob and Edward, yes, well stalking, and so forth, not good. But the story has to be a little dangerous or unorthodox to be intriguing, right? Hopefully teenage readers won’t think that’s something to emulate. But honestly, Team Edward or Team Jacob, they are like the most benign supernatural creatures ever. Edward is a vegetarian vampire for goodness sakes, he doesn’t even kill James back in the first movie after he’s totally thrashed Bella (human or vampire boyfriend, in this situation, I’d be ok with a little retribution here) and he likes to play piano. Talk about a girly-friendly version of a cold blooded killer. Jacob is really pretty tame too as far as werewolves of movies past go.